I don’t think it’s a secret that dating is a struggle for me… I probably write something in this regard almost every post (whether or not it’s explicitly stated).
I have a habit of disinteresting women I’m interested in. Not exactly intentionally… except that my purposeful intentions seem to correlate with their disinterest :/
It’s like this. I think.
In the pursuit of a young lady I’m really attracted to, I’m more aware of myself — how I act around her; how I think she sees me; what I think she’s looking for. The little wit I have becomes elusive, hidden behind a mist of hyper-awareness. And my words feel clumsy. No post-date text. No reciprocated excitement about a second or third date (or a date at all). Sometimes just silence :(
On the other hand, when I’m with a young lady I’m not really interested in, I don’t try. And somehow I attract her… there’s usually a post-date text, and frequent expressions of interest in spending more time together.
How do I bridge the gap?
I don’t know. I’m not sure I can… at least not right away. Trying is what seems to make things worse… and trying to not try is sadly still trying. It leads to the same result.
My own efforts aren’t enough.
In the meantime, I’ve decided what I can do is love myself (hopefully that’s not too cliché or polysemantic after Justin Bieber’s song). Even when I’m awkward, and don’t know what to say… or when I do say something and it’s way off base. I can still love myself. And I do :) I can also be honest and transparent with others… what I’m doing with this post.
My love for me isn’t contingent on my wit or charisma, or on how much others accept or like me. It’s contingent on my choice :) and I choose to love me!
In the long-run, I don’t think my well-intentioned efforts, however feeble they turn out, disqualify me from realizing my hopes and dreams. I still believe in them. And I’m looking forward to them. I’m optimistic and hopeful :)
And I believe in Christ’s “…gift of victory over every fall we have ever experienced, every sorrow we have ever known, every discouragement we have ever had, every fear we have ever faced…” (Elder Holland) — even his victory over my dating failures. When victory finally comes, I’ll recognize it for the gift it is, because life surely has taught me I can’t do it on my own.