I don’t think it’s a secret that dating is a struggle for me… I probably write something in this regard almost every post (whether or not it’s explicitly stated).
I have a habit of disinteresting women I’m interested in. Not exactly intentionally… except that my purposeful intentions seem to correlate with their disinterest :/
It’s like this. I think.
In the pursuit of a young lady I’m really attracted to, I’m more aware of myself — how I act around her; how I think she sees me; what I think she’s looking for. The little wit I have becomes elusive, hidden behind a mist of hyper-awareness. And my words feel clumsy. No post-date text. No reciprocated excitement about a second or third date (or a date at all). Sometimes just silence :(
On the other hand, when I’m with a young lady I’m not really interested in, I don’t try. And somehow I attract her… there’s usually a post-date text, and frequent expressions of interest in spending more time together.
How do I bridge the gap?
I don’t know. I’m not sure I can… at least not right away. Trying is what seems to make things worse… and trying to not try is sadly still trying. It leads to the same result.
My own efforts aren’t enough.
In the meantime, I’ve decided what I can do is love myself (hopefully that’s not too cliché or polysemantic after Justin Bieber’s song). Even when I’m awkward, and don’t know what to say… or when I do say something and it’s way off base. I can still love myself. And I do :) I can also be honest and transparent with others… what I’m doing with this post.
My love for me isn’t contingent on my wit or charisma, or on how much others accept or like me. It’s contingent on my choice :) and I choose to love me!
In the long-run, I don’t think my well-intentioned efforts, however feeble they turn out, disqualify me from realizing my hopes and dreams. I still believe in them. And I’m looking forward to them. I’m optimistic and hopeful :)
And I believe in Christ’s “…gift of victory over every fall we have ever experienced, every sorrow we have ever known, every discouragement we have ever had, every fear we have ever faced…” (Elder Holland) — even his victory over my dating failures. When victory finally comes, I’ll recognize it for the gift it is, because life surely has taught me I can’t do it on my own.
Maybe just try to have fun on dates only. Don’t worry about the future? Then if it progresses it does if it doesn’t it doesn’t? Hope this helps ?
Even when you do meet the right woman, do not forget this … “My love for me isn’t contingent on my wit or charisma, or on how much others accept or like me. It’s contingent on my choice :) and I choose to love me!”
What was difficult about dating, for me, was figuring out how to love myself on top of learning to love someone else. That was/is my gap to bridge. Everybody has one.
Here’s a friendly reminder that your efforts ARE in fact enough. That goes in line with loving yourself, which includes all the effort you put forth in anything you do.
Either way with trying or trying to not try, it’ll work out according to your belief in Gods plan.
I really appreciate this post. I have similar dating struggles. What I’ve been trying to work on is increasing my belief that God does have a plan for me. I have the bad habit of automatically assuming that the guy isn’t interested or that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway without me really putting anything on the line. By increasing my belief, I’m hoping to increase my faith in potential relationships whether or not they work out.
Hope that makes sense and is somewhat helpful. ?
I love this Zack…you have such great insights, thanks for sharing!