Happy Valentine’s Day :) I’m still trying to find my valentine… They tell me it’s because I’m “too picky.”
“Give her a chance.” “Don’t expect to know within one date.” “Take time to get to know people.”
I’ve heard that often in 10+ years of dating… But dating is already hard without people telling me I’m doing it wrong. Or that I am wrong. I’m hoping with this post to help people see that there can be more to someone’s story…
“That many blind and first dates?”
I have 59 contacts with “blind date” in the description. Add the phone numbers I never got, the times I didn’t write “blind date” in the description, and anyone from before I lost my phone 5 years ago, and it’s probably about 100. And the total first dates I’ve been on are easily more than double that.
“And you’re still single? You are picky!”
But we can also look at it another way… Even going on blind dates in the first place contrasts with many people I talk to who refuse blind dates flat out. And first dates are meant to be a low-key way to meet people, right?
Could this actually be evidence that I’m giving more people more of a chance?
“What about 2nd and 3rd dates?”
My ratio of 1st dates to 2nd+ dates is low. Probably lower than most people’s.
“That must be because you’re picky!”
But there’s more to the picture than just the ratio… You could also say I’m rejecting fewer people overall, because I’m open to more blind/1st dates, and that I then have more information than most when I actually decide I’m not interested, right?
“But you’re so old!”
I’m older than Utah’s average male marriage age (26), USA’s (29), and my three married brothers’ (22).
“If only you weren’t so picky you’d be married by now.”
I think we can be more creative in our conclusions though… Here are some other reasons I might not be married:
Maybe I’m not ready? Maybe I’m traumatized? Maybe I’m ugly? Maybe I’m too poor? Maybe I’m afraid? Maybe I’m socially awkward? Maybe God is teaching me patience? Maybe every woman I’ve seriously pursued rejected me?
I’m not saying all or any of those are true (though the last one actually is, aside from in one case). There are so many more reasons for being unmarried than “picky.” Otherwise it’s like saying every overweight person lacks self control. It’s arbitrary and unfair.
“I still think you’re picky.”
Well, if you still think I’m picky (or bad at dating for whatever reason)… I’m okay with that. After all, I’m the one who gets to spend the rest of my life (and in the case of Mormons the rest of eternity) with her.
I’m happy with who I am and where I’m at.
I don’t regret my choices. God knows and I know that I haven’t yet dated a right person at the right time.
I’m far from perfect. But nobody ever got married because they were perfect. And however untactfully, clumsily, or awkwardly it’s been, I have sincerely pursued women I was interested in.
On the other hand, however tactfully, skillfully, and charismatically I’ve tried, the women still get to make their own choice. And I’m glad they do! I look forward to my future with the person I choose who also chooses me :)
Lol, you wrote in Portuguese! Well, you’re welcome.
Falo portugues tambem :) Tive um companheiro de quarto do Brasil por 2 anos. Ele me ensinou ;)
But do you feel obligated to get married? I believe some people just are not meant to that. And also, I don’t believe in being with someone forever, so, maybe we believe in a lot of different things…
Good question. Obrigado por ler meu blog e pelos seus comentários :) I don’t feel obligated to marry, but I do want to. Sounds like we have some different perspectives, but I appreciate your thoughts. I want to be a husband and father, and look forward to family relationships after this life too :)
Im not sure if you read much of my blog but when it’s your time it will just happen. God knows what He’s doing!! I know this season can be lonely and scary, but look at it differently: you are completely unencumbered to do whatever you want. Chase after those wild adventures with God, take those trips, learn that thing that makes your soul a little giddy, explore every little thing that catches your eye.
And then someday you’re going to be in the middle if doing something awesome and so will she, and you’ll look over and you’ll just know.
Stop looking from Mrs Right and start chasing God and learning what makes your soul dance.
From what I’ve read, I get the impression you make someone an amazing husband. Trust God. He seems to know what he’s doing. 😆💕
Jenni, that’s kind of you to say. I appreciate your comments and support. It’s thoughtful and helpful :) Good thoughts!
God is preparing you and your future someone. Timing is everything when it comes to being in the perfect will of God. I pray for your encounter with Jesus Christ.
Haha I love this. One day you will find someone and be able to spend the rest of eternity together. I’m in the same boat and I understand. Being Mormon sometimes the pressure can be big, but honestly God knows when the best time is and as long as we are doing our part and being actively engaged, then it will happen when He sees fit for us individually.
Thanks for your thoughts Kaitlin, same to you :)
Curious, is there a common reason for the high rejection rate? Is there something you are looking for that you haven’t found? I’ve found that it takes a really long time to get to the core of a person and figure out if they would be a viable long term partner, certainly more than one date. I also get the hesitancy to go out more than once – it’s a significant investment if there’s not immediate chemistry.
Good questions :) I should clarify that I don’t think every woman I’ve not taken out again wanted to go out again, so mutual unattraction is probably one. I’m not sure about patterns otherwise… Honestly a lot of my decisions in this regard are more subconscious than conscious, but I think it’s a combination of attraction physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
You’re dope I’m with you !!!
Thanks :) Glad to be in good company